Salt
by Lezoe Settume
Summary: A series of short stories strung together to make a semi-chronological... thing. This story involves the pairing of SimonxLewis, Honeyphos and some Xephoscest. Reader discretion is advised. Also, it usually takes a kick up the butt for me to do anything. If you want a new chapter, just say so -
1. Pork

Chapter 1 - Pork

"Why does my bum hurt, Lewis?" Honeydew, the dwarf of Khaz Modan said, breaking the silence after they had got up out of the two single beds they were forced to share due to being in adventure mode and being unable to destroy and move one of the single beds away from the other.  
"I think I may have kept my sword in my pocket overnight," Xephos, the spaceman promptly replied, not wanting this to go any further.  
However, the dwarf continued: "So that's what was poking me, okay."  
"Yeah."  
"Your sword."  
"Uh huh"  
"Your pork sword."  
"Oh god no. What the hell. No," Xephos muttered before walking away from his friend, the book of innuendos.

It was a pretty standard boss fight in an adventure map; hit the 'weak spots' of the statue and make it blow up.  
Not forgetting the seemingly endless waves of mobs coming at you, of course.  
Suddenly, Xephos' only sword broke. "Uh... Friend? Do you have a spare sword?" He asked. "Nope, sorry, mate," was the reply he received.  
"Use ya' pork sword."  
Xephos stuttered "W-what!?"  
"You heard me," Honeydew giggled.  
"No. Don't be stupid."  
Xephos decided to beat the monsters with his fists. They fought in silence for a few moments. Because of Xephos only having his fists to fight with, he was quickly backed into a corner with stone and a small window behind him. The spaceman contemplated jumping through, but the inside looked dark, probably housing even more monsters than out here.

Firefly, Xephos' evil double, saw the spaceman backed into a corner through the window of his home, just behind Xephos. He flung open the window and pulled his double into the building, gagging him. Xephos' doppelganger tied him to a wooden chair after taking both his and the spaceman's shirt off, switching them so he would appear to be Xephos.

Firefly was originally planning on pretending to be Xephos and capturing Honeydew. But having Xephos here was too tempting. Slowly taking off both of their clothes, he made plans for the spaceman. First, he was going to seduce him, and then he wanted to fuck him. Hard. Finally, he'll make him talk. Then he'll go out there and capture his Dwarf friend.

"No! Stop! What are you doing!?" Xephos had been screaming like this for ages. The pyro would have gagged him already if he didn't kiss so well. He continued thrusting into the spaceman's anus, looking for his sweet spot "NNGGGH!"  
"Gotcha!"  
After a few choice thrusts, Xephos came, tensing his body; causing the evil version to come as well. "Now talk," He panted.  
"A-about what?"  
"Honeydew. What does he like? What does he want?"  
Xephos tiredly revealed how Honeydew seemed eager for him to use his 'pork sword.'  
This was all Firefly needed. "Good, now, sleep," he whispered as he kissed the spaceman one last time.

"POOOOORK SWORD!"  
Honeydew's head snapped up at the sound of his friend shouting, to see him with his trousers down and his erect penis in his hand. The zombies shared the dwarf's shocked expression. Some ran, some forced themselves to despawn and the few that were left were hit by his penis repeatedly until they left.  
Slowly, though, zombies started reappearing; seeming to form a line. As the first zombie bent over to close its lips around the 'sword' Honeydew tackled it and pushed his way to the front of the queue, blushing. Firefly quickly understood the dwarf's feelings towards the spaceman and pulled down Honeydew's trousers, whispering in his ear as he did so. "Prepare your ass, Dwarf."

Honeydew was shocked at how forward his friend was being lately. But that thought was quickly dismissed as he felt a warm, hard rod inserted in his anus. He writhed in the sudden pain but it subsided. All Honeydew could feel was intense pleasure as he was thrusted into.

Firefly slowly slid down the wall as he thrusted, so he was in a sitting position. He spun the dwarf around and immediately caught him in a suffocating kiss. He pumped the dwarf's erect penis until they were both at the edge. With one last thrust, Honeydew's sperm went on to his chest and Firefly's seed filled Honeydew up to the brim. Relaxing in his best friend's arm, Honeydew whispered "Xeph'... I love you."  
"I know."  
Firefly felt a little guilty at the upcoming complications of Honeydew remembering this night and Xephos, the real Xephos not.

"I... Uh... I will be right back," he muttered as he got up to head back through the window.  
He clambered through and immediately took off Xephos' shirt and put his own back on. He unbound Xephos and pulled his shirt over the other man's head.

"Xeph'! There you are!" Honeydew shouted as he saw his friend climbing out of the window.  
Honeydew ran to the spaceman and pulled him into a hug, leaving Xephos confused. The younger man has always had feelings for the dwarf, but had kept them hidden; but now, in the heat of the moment, he lifted his friend into his arms. Shifting him over so he sat on his hip, Xephos looked at the shorter man. "H-honeydew?" He questioned.  
"Yes?"  
"I l-love you," He muttered, his face turning red.  
"I know. I love you too."


	2. Jaffa Cakes

Simon Lane of the Yogscast came into his colleague, Lewis Brindley and pinch punched him because it was the first of October; he threw a Halloween mask at him. "They're selling stuff at the pound shop already," he added. He then left and let Lewis be. The Yogscast, incorporated as Yogscast Ltd, is an English organisation known for producing videos (primarily Let's Plays) of various video games on YouTube. The Yogscast was founded by Simon "Honeydew" Lane and Lewis "Xephos" Brindley with their first video released on 19 July 2008. Their offices, informally known as "YogTowers", are based in Bristol.

The Yogscast have eight YouTube channels. BlueXephos, their main YouTube channel, was the first channel in the UK to reach 1 billion views, and as of August 2012 is the most viewed and most subscribed YouTube channel in the UK with over two million subscribers and over three million daily views. The Yogscast also produces a podcast called the YoGPoD.

Although the Yogscast initially gained popularity with their World of Warcraft videos, they are most famous for their coverage of indie sandbox building game Minecraft and claim to have played a large part in Minecraft's commercial success. At Gamescom 2011 the Yogscast promoted the Xperia PLAY with Minecraft: Pocket Edition on behalf of Markus "Notch" Persson, creator of Minecraft, who was unable to attend in person. The Yogscast and Notch had a major falling out after MineCon 2011, in which Notch accused the Yogscast of profanity and unprofessional behaviour and stated he would no longer work with the Yogscast. He later apologised for his accusations.

In October 2012 the Yogscast received a Golden Joystick Award in the category "Greatest YouTube Gamer Award".

He didn't question his dream last night; he'd always known he loved Simon, not Hannah Rutherford, his fiancée. But now that he and Hannah were engaged, it was far too late to say anything. Revealing his true feelings would both break Hannah's heart and push Simon away forever. "Unless... No, don't be silly. Simon doesn't love you back!"  
Lewis had muttered this whilst cleaning his office in Yogtowers, not expecting anyone to hear. Unfortunately, Simon was standing in the doorway, about to ask him if he knew that Sjin took the Jaffa's and hid them behind the fridge.

Simon coughed deliberately to alert Lewis of his presence once he had gotten his shock under control. Lewis started and glanced up. "...How long have you been there?"  
"Long enough, Lewis, long enough," was the reply. Simon watches as the shock, realisation and embarrassment played across his friend's face. Lewis dropped his head and turned away. He did not know what to say, whether to come straight out and say it, to skirt around it gently or to just change the subject completely.

However, before he made up his mind, Simon was gone.  
'_Shit, I scared him off._' Lewis thought, annoyed with himself for not noticing his friend's presence before he said anything out loud. He internally cursed himself and finished up cleaning as quickly as he could and went home early, avoiding any questions as best he could.

Once he got home, he locked himself in the bathroom to ensure that when Hannah got home he wouldn't be caught off guard. He sat down, crossed legged in the middle of the ground; his small figure slumped as the tears fell from his face. Tears of what could have been; tears of what are; tears of what has been.

After what seemed to be hours, Lewis' tears stopped. He angrily wiped the streaks off of his face and crept out of the bathroom into the silent, empty flat. He thanked God that Hannah had chosen to work late. "Probably playing some game with Duncan," he muttered. "What's that, Lewis?" sounded the girl in question's voice from the living room. '_I really need to stop thinking aloud, jeez,_' he thought. '_That's twice in one day._'

Hannah walked into the hallway and saw Lewis' red, puffy eyes. "Lewis?" she asked tentatively as she came closer to him. Lewis stepped back and shook his head; he turned to go up the stairs and out of sight.


	3. Crisps

The next morning, Lewis Brindley, Simon Lane and Hannah Rutherford went to visit Lewis' dad, Allen Brindley's new house with Duncan Jones, their co-worker. They piled into the car with Lewis sitting himself in the driver's seat. Simon pulled him out of the car and sat him at the back. He pushed Duncan to the wheel and gave him the directions to the new building. When questioned, Simon recalled the incident when they went from Reading to Bristol and Lewis missed the turning three times. Hannah swiftly agreed with this decision and plonked herself in the left, next to Duncan. Simon sat directly behind Duncan and Lewis begrudgingly took the remaining seat.

A short while after they had gotten onto the motorway, Lewis began to fidget. This quickly turned into squirming. "Are you okay, Lewis?" Simon whispered to him. "I-I am fine. Really," the younger replied. "You do not sound it." But he let it drop.

Another ten minutes later, Lewis felt as if he were about to burst. He began to grip his crotch tightly. Simon had not spoken in these ten minutes but by now he was sure of what Lewis' predicament was. However, he chose not to say anything to avoid embarrassing the man further. Simon noticed the dark partition between Lewis and himself and the front. A few moments later, Lewis ceased squirming and a small dark patch began to grow around his crotch. Similarly, the man's face grew redder at about the same rate.  
Simon is at a loss of what to do, so he asks Duncan to pull into the nearest Sainsbury's. "Will Tesco's do?" "Yeah, sure," Simon replied hurriedly whilst Duncan pulled into the car park of the store.

As Simon exited the store, he made sure that the spare pair of trousers, packet of pull ups and baby wipes couldn't be seen under the crisps he used as an alibi or through the thin, white plastic.  
Simon got into the vehicle once more and shared out the crisps; he handed the remaining contents to Lewis, watching as bewilderment crossed his friend's face before being replaced with an intense frown.  
However, Lewis was happy to note that the new trousers were the same colour as his were previously.

"I am _not_ wearing these," Lewis whispered. "Not in a million years." "Well it's either those or you go commando; you can't wear your wet undies, can you?" Simon replied quietly. Lewis huffed and turned his back on his friend.

After a while, Lewis fell asleep. Simon took this as an opportunity to change him into the pull-ups and new trousers after wiping him down.

An hour later, they arrived at Allen's house. Lewis was out of the car first and knocked on the door. When it opened, they were greeted by an elderly man and woman. They were invited inside and were shown to the new sofa. Lewis was glad that no one had seemed to notice the pull-up and new trousers he had found himself in when he woke up from his unplanned nap. He knew that Simon had changed him whilst he was asleep; but, to be honest, it was kind of comfortable.

The group of four attempted, but failed to squeeze onto the small sofa. In the end they decided that having two of them on the sofa and two at their feet would be a better plan. After some squabbling and excuses, Duncan got the right seat with Hannah at his feet and Simon got the left seat with Lewis at his feet; Lewis and Hannah were holding hands, almost as if to prove they were together even as their heads rested on their friend's laps.

After the group had looked around the new house, had lunch and said their goodbyes, they formed a line to the one bathroom. Hannah got there first, followed by Lewis, Duncan and, lastly, Simon.


End file.
